Coffee Wars (Wednesday)

Starbucks. Coffee Mecca or purveyor of overpriced sludge? I eased into Starbucks in 1993 with cafe lattes. But it wasn't long before I was addicted to the intense caffeine and wanted more. I moved to dark roasted drip coffee and cafe americanos.

The Starbucks phenomenon started in the Pacific Northwest where there are a lot of rainy days to spend inside reading the paper at your favourite coffee shop with a hot beverage. Starbucks invaded Vancouver in a major way, and they use our city to test market saturation. Finding a Starbucks isn't a problem.

Starbucks is responsible for coffee prices soaring from $1 a cup to $2 a cup. They're pretty good at packaging things up and marketing "quality" so they can justify their inflated prices. The independent coffee houses in town should be thankful to Starbucks for opening up the pricing, which has become pretty much standard at any upmarket place.

The most annoying thing about Starbucks is the proliferation of fancy, expensive foo foo drinks they serve, which also slow down the espresso machine. "I'll have a tall, non-fat, extra-hot, slightly wet, decaf cappuccino with one pump of vanilla, one pump of hazelnut, a dollop of foam and a dusting of cinnamon." WTF? Even worse is the pretentious dorks who order it at "precisely 103 degrees". Why don't you try a cafe americano...watch out, you might actually taste the coffee in your coffee!!!

A grande dark roast drip coffee at Starbucks will run you $1.98 including tax. It will be consistent from location to location, hot, served with a sleeve and strong enough to strip the paint off your car. So watch out for spills. The caffeine content has got to be at the upper end of the legal limits. One Starbucks and my hands start to shake and I'm good for the morning, if not on edge. People who do cocaine have never tried Starbucks...the same high legal and cheap. The coffee is usually so bitter it invokes a frown and a quick shake of the head, but after a few sips when you start to feel the infusion of caffeine your body is craving, you stop noticing the taste. Aaahhh.

Starbucks does a lot right and for caffeine content alone, I'll give it 3.5 beans out of 5. I would have scored it higher in my younger days, but lately it just leaves me a bit too jittery and the flavour is a bit much. The other thing about Starbucks is the super laxative effect...excuse me while I run to the washroom!